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Match Reports

FTG 6-1 C.O.P.G

By By League Title

It’s a Knock Gout!

C.O.P.G. succumbed to yet another league defeat this evening leaving their top flight status hanging in the balance with only a few fixtures remaining in this emotionally draining season!

Plagued by injury’s and with half the team returning from a grueling match for the Old Bell Hotel on Sunday; player coach Yates had little choice but to start with Hit-man Harrison, despite the bold brute currently suffering from a severe case of his now notorious Gout, no doubt brought on by his lavish life style; he like’s nothing better than a Caviar and Donna Kebab washed down with a bottle of port after a cruise in his brand new white golf waving his i-phone out the window! – You only brought an i-phone you didn’t invent it!

Gout and About – Harrison struggles on!

C.O.P.G. knew this would be a tough match against their top of the league opponents but were ready to battle and get stuck in, the boys in red did not have much of the ball in the first quarter of the match but were still keeping FTG at bay, getting goal side and covering run’s well, that was until Yates decided enough was enough, he got the ball on the edge of his box put his head down and ran towards the opposite end; only to be dispossessed within a second the ball slipped to their striker who Yates should have been marking and the ball was in the net, Disgusted with himself Yates tried to be substituted but Harrison had already piped him to the netting exit!

Disgusted - Yates

Now FTG may be top of the league but they were more of a one trick pony than ‘Red Rum’( I mean he only won the Grand National 3 times!) FTG’s horse play consisted of their defenders holding back and waiting for their Goalie to launch a massive throw of the ball to their loan striker who would hug C.O.P.G’s area making it hard for the reds to sit goal side of the cock sure goal hanger. And sure enough one such throw deceived the C.O.P.G. defense of Yates, Cook and Murphy who were ever so slightly too far up the pitch; and the ball narrowly beat Steve’s Safe Hands to leave C.O.P.G. 2-nil down.

The bull dog spirit never stops in this team, even when Cook wears an Austria shirt and C.O.P.G knew that they had to strike now to get anything out of this game, whirling and striving forward Stanyer wanted a goal and battled for space and let fly with a strike at goal not bad for an old lad, but the ball rebounded in to the corner of the field and Yates bounded after it, battling well he won two tough tackles and turned to find himself in space in front of the keeper and with a sight of goal but as he went to strike the ball he was outrageously chopped down like prices in a Zimbabwean Recession! To deny a clear goal scoring opportunity! Surely that’s a penalty thought every player and spectator within a 200 mile radius but no just a free kick from the ref and a smile to his mates on the other team, cheers ref thought Yates and his team mates, thanks a lot – but worse was to come!

Just a Free Kick then ref?

C.O.P.G. were starting to play with vigor and stamping out FTG’s route one football, and guess who repaid his managers faith in him Matthew Gout Lout Harrison thats who, deep in his own half and with no back lift he swung his left and no doubt very painful boot at the ball, catching it just right and sending a trail blazer into the bottom left hand corner, to restore some faith back to the tiring reds!

Harrison- ‘Lettuce give thanks!’

Now to the second half and the moment that changed what would have been a good game into a complete an utter farce, the referee who is no doubt the love child of a Russian Linesman and Graham Polls disgruntled auntie; had already made some outrageous decisions in the first half, brown nosing his way into FTG’s Christmas swingers party no doubt! But this terrible decision was to top all terrible choices of all time worse then Hitler invading Russia and worse than Des going to ITV – Much worse!

Stanyer who was having a good game getting stuck in and working hard, a lot better then last week when he was a mere spectator, but anyway the Cheshire lad was handling the pressure, well and lunged in to a challenge with FTG’s hard man who could easily be the third Mitchell brother, now this tackle could have been construed as a foul but I for one didn’t think so and it certainly was not malicious, anyway Grant and Phil’s sibling still sprung to his feet and clear as day swung two punches at Stanyer connecting with one, Stanyer was lucky to avoid damaging his Chinese Vase like face – it’s Minging!

Just incase you don’t know what a punch is, Ref!?

Now the referee who’s arse fell on the floor at this point as he knew he might have to make a decision against his best mates, stood glum faced serching for a hole in the floor he could fall in, as he listened to the cries from FTG; C.O.P.G meanwhile left the ref to it as they assumed the strict and proud laws of the English game would be up held and the lad would be instantly sent off and banned for raising his fists – they were wrong!

Here’s an extract from this incompetent officials training manual:


You are refereeing a match involving a team of your college chums, one of your best buddies is a little bit of a hot head ala Vinnie Jones in his hay day, now there is nothing wrong with that, it’s not his fault that everyone is better than him and he’s not been laid in six months, anyway this lovable rogue is legally tackle and the ball is taken off him by the opposition who are not your friends and probably a little bit cleverer than you, your brute of a mate take’s offence to this quite normal and well intentioned challenge though and swings two or three punches in the direction of the innocent party who is lucky to keep his cheek bones in tacked.

Do You:

A) Do the right thing; Award a free kick for the quite obvious abuse of the rules by your chum, and give him a straight red followed by a three month ban on your suggestion, he’ll understand he knows he’s done wrong and in time he will forgive you and let you in to the cool parties?

B) Bottle it, panic ask yourself how you can get out of this one, with out losing your job and all your cool mates, if you blue card both of them, despite your pal being as guilty as sin and deserving 6 months in Sudbury open prison and also punishing an innocent man at the same time, you might get your leg over on Saturday at Stacy Slater’s house!

C) Award Manchester United a penalty.

D) Send the innocent player off, award Manchester United a penalty and give your best chum the fifa fair play award!

You get the idea, after this shocking injustice C.O.P.G. found it hard to keep their minds on the game, despite some good performances by Murphy and Cook in particular. And after holding out for a further 10 minutes the lucky gits of FTG scored a third, with yet another long through which again narrowly beat Wheatley. 3-1

C.O.P.G. still had their chances and Murphy, Cook and Harrison tested their keeper on occasions, still this game was deteriorating and dangerous tackles were flying in from all angles!

It wasn’t long before FTG had scored another two very lucky goals, both goals sneaking past Wheatley one through his normally unbeatable legs and one to his left, there was little surprise in the stands however that FTG had scored these very Jammy goals as they were all a punch of Tarts! It was 5-1 one and as well as jam tarts injustice was served!

There was still time for the fellow with the chip on his shoulder and several in his belly, who should of been in an early bath, to volley the ball at point blank range at C.O.P.G’s veteran keeper sending him to the floor in agony, and when asked if he was ok by the dim witted ref, the man in black certainly deserved the volley of abuse he received from Wheatley.

FTG added another goal late on to put the final nail into two dropped points, and leave Yates and his C.O.P.G. team clinging on to premiership status by a tread!

Final Score:

Incompetent Officiating 1 – 0 English Football